Heresy and You
A Presentation by Howard Link

((ooc Disclaimer: The following has absolutely no relation to my personal beliefs and is not intended to offend anyone.))

Heresy has existed ever since one man knew the proper thing to believe and someone else disagreed with him. For nearly one thousand nine hundred years, the Catholic Church has been at the forefront of the fight against heresy. The word “catholic” comes from Greek and means “universal,” proving that what the Vatican says is true is true everywhere. “Catholic” is also pronounced “orthodox.”

In the present day, heresy also refers to activities that prevent the Black Order from achieving its goals. Supporting the so-called “Millennium Earl,” an inhuman figure who is almost a perfect sphere, is the most serious of heretical crimes. The most wanted perpetrators are the handful of individuals in the Noah Clan. Not only are they massacring people, but they have been known not to wear underwear. One can identify these individuals by the convenient stigmata on their forehead. You may ask why heretics have stigmata—because they’re mocking us, that’s why.

Do not attempt to confront a Noah unless you’re an Exorcist or you want to die horribly.

It’s also advised that one avoid playing poker with Noahs, getting kissed by Noahs, going to buffets with Noahs, having a Noah inside one’s brain, operating Noah machinery, and generally consorting with Noahs. Any of these activities could lead to heresy charges.

Immoral behavior, while not as serious as direct disobedience to the Church, goes hand in hand with heresy. Unfortunately, nearly all forms of immoral behavior can be found within the Black Order itself. Examples include smoking, excessive drinking, whoring, gambling, and disrespect for authority. Here is an image of General Cross. More general forms of immorality include laziness and not taking enough baths. This is the Science Department. Can you guess which of these the Science Department Supervisor is guilty of?

That is correct.

Now I will briefly deal with symbols of heresy. The pentacle is considered a heretical symbol by the Vatican. It’s even more heretical if you turn it upside down. Turning a cross upside down is also a bad idea.

Tattooing heretical symbols on one’s body combines the sins of tattooing and heresy and will be dealt with harshly.

Let’s discuss the horrible consequences of becoming a heretic. In the past, heresy was punishable by public execution in a variety of colorful ways. The Vatican today is much more lenient, and depending on one’s crime and circumstances, heresy is punishable by anything from several days’ bed rest to public execution in a variety of colorful ways. Nobody should take this chance.

If you become a heretic, God will get angry and you might end up like Suman Dark. Suman Dark joined forces with the Millennium Earl, and he ended up stuck inside a giant flying torso and crashing into Chinese civilians while being electrocuted. He also lost his mind. Then he was eaten by butterflies.

Please, for your own sake, never become a heretic.

That brings us to the subject of witchcraft and other…

(Link continues speaking for another half hour.)

Any questions?